Watching Nutrition | Information for a Healthy Life

Epiphany. Because change is so difficult, it can’t be elicited from the outside (that’s why so-called inspirational talks don’t work), but rather it must come from a very deep and personal place inside of you. Change starts with a simple, yet powerful, epiphany: “I just can’t continue down this same road any longer.” When you experience this realization in the most visceral and overwhelming way, then you have taken the first step toward positive life change.

Emotions. Just as emotions can act as obstacles to change, they can also provide a powerful force for change. Positive emotions that catalyze change can include hope, inspiration, and pride. Interestingly, so-called negative emotions, such as fear (e.g., of losing a job), frustration (e.g., at feeling stuck in life), anger (e.g., at being mistreated by a spouse), or sadness (e.g., at being estranged from family) can all be potent motivators for change. In either case, these strong emotions act as the impetus that drives you to initiate the process of change your life.

Courage.Courage may be the single most important characteristic for changing your life because change is frightening. Why, you ask? Because deep change means letting go of old ways of living that, though obviously not serving you well, are familiar, predictable, and, in an odd sort of way, comfortable. It involves heading down a road that you have never been down before, the destination of which isn’t clear.

Change also requires risk and risk is scary because you may fail (of course, the other side of the coin is that only by taking risks can you truly succeed.). Courage to change doesn’t mean not being afraid of what might happen; fear is natural because change takes you out of your comfort zone. Change is about your ability to confront and push through your fear rather than being paralyzed by it.

Courage means the willingness to acknowledge aspects of yourself that you may not know about or may not like, and to experience “bad” emotions you may feel as you learn about yourself. It enables you to accept that you might fail in your attempts at change while, at the same time, realizing that not trying will be much worse.

Change is much like jumping into cold water. It will be a shock at first, and you will initially regret having taken the plunge. But, after you are in the water for a short while, you begin to adapt to the coldness. What was then intimidating is now approachable. What had been unknown is now familiar. What was then painful is now invigorating.

Leap of Faith. Unfortunately, there is no certainty in change. You don’t know if, when, or how you might change. And you don’t know how the changes you make will impact your life. That lack of certainty can be truly terrifying. Yet, you must be willing to accept that uncertainty if you want to change. The only way to overcome your fears is to take a leap of faith. A great philosopher once said, “You do or you do not. There is no try.” No, it wasn’t Aristotle or Socrates who spoke those simple, yet profound words; the great thinker was…Yoda, the Jedi Master of Star Wars.

This leap of faith involves having a basic belief in yourself and a fundamental trust in the vision of who, what, and where you want to be in the future. The leap of faith involves your commitment to creating a new and healthy life and the belief that good things will happen if you stay committed to this new path and when you do make that change.

Determination.The above building blocks of change result in determination to change. This determination expresses itself in an unwavering commitment to pursue change, resist the obstacles, and take active steps to change your life. This resolve will motivate you to engage in the moment-to-moment process of change even when you are discouraged, frustrated, and uncertain about whether you can achieve the positive change in your life.

In the final post of this series, which will be published next week, I will describe the Five Steps to Positive Life Change.

2. Set aside to reflect upon the day. The post referenced at least 15 to 20 minutes at the end of the day as you conclude your final activity at work. Outline the most important tasks to get done the following day. By doing this, you’ll not only prioritize while it’s fresh on your mind, you’ll recognize the sense of importance when you tackle it first thing in the morning.

3. This leads into the next task: “Do the most important thing on your list first when you get to work in the morning, for up to 90 minutes,” writes Schwartz. While it’s easy to get lured into the fast pace of e-mail or social media, he recommends keeping the inbox shut down and your cell phone on silent. The more you’re focused, the more you’ll get accomplished. When you’re done, of course, take a break.

4. That said, be sure to take breaks! “Take at least one scheduled break in the morning, one in the afternoon, and leave your desk for lunch. Take at least one scheduled break in the morning, one in the afternoon, and leave your desk for lunch. These are each important opportunities to renew yourself so that your energy doesn’t run down as the day wears on. They’re also opportunities to briefly take stock.”

The author leaves us with the following thoughts: Did I accomplish what I set to get done since the last break and if not, why not? Secondly, he poses the question: “What do I want to accomplish between now and my next break, and what do I have to say “no” to, in order to make that possible?”
Hmmmm, just some food for thought…

First Things First

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Do first things first.
Manage pain.
7 tips for dealing with a sweetheart who is constantly crabby.

How about you? Have you found that when you’re trying to get happier or stay happy, it helps to think about the basics?

If you’re new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I’ll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:
— On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click “Edit Subscription” and check the box, “Email me for new uploads.” Or…
— Go to your main drop-down box, click “Subscriptions,” find the GretchenRubin channel, click “Edit Subscriptions,” and check “Email me for new uploads” there.

To get the audio podcast of the video:
— Log in to iTunes
— Go to “Podcasts”
— Search for “The Happiness Project.” Free, of course.

* Yes, there will be a 2012 Happiness Challenge! Stay tuned for details.

My father was out of town that day and I couldn’t wait to show him MY puppy. After what seemed like forever, I saw the white Ford station wagon pull up in front of our house.

Dad got out of the Galaxy, walked around and opened the tailgate. Out popped a large, hyperactive, hound that lumbered next to him as he walked toward me. I was horrified and wondered what this creature was doing at my house.

It turns out that Dad had no idea his friend had found a puppy for me. While traveling through Southern Missouri that day, Dad had come across someone that had a dog they were happy to be rid of (or at least that is how I remember it).

The hound, already named Patsy, never had a chance. She was bigger than me. She was hyperactive and Ritalin was not prescribed to dogs in 1964. But most of all, she wasn’t Jerri. Obviously, Patsy had to go, and she did.

Jerri had been described as a “pocket beagle”-supposedly she was a dog that should remain small enough to fit in your pocket.  In reality, she could not be described as anything other than a mutt, a sweet and loveable mutt.

In my memories, she was always by my side. Many of the photographs from my childhood include her. Once my sisters dressed me up in a topcoat and hat. In the black and white picture, there is Jerri , on her hind legs, reaching her fronts paws up toward me, with her tongue curled, trying to lick me. Jerri was my best friend.

Alas, as I grew up, she became less and less of my focus even though I still loved her immensely. The summer before I left for college, she approached me one day, limping and with an unrecognizable expression on her face. It was clear something was wrong.

Dr. Burgess said she had a stroke and he kept her for observation. When my mom approached me the next day, I already knew what she was going to say.

In a strange way, I found it easier to leave for college that fall, knowing that Jerri was gone. A part of me had felt guilty knowing I would be leaving my friend behind. When I look back now, I realize that the average lifespan of a dog is about the time it takes a child to grow up. Jerri left when her work was done.

None of the things in either of my stories is bothering me now. I’m certainly not trying to ski. I am sitting in a chair writing this article. My knees don’t hurt sitting down. I have no surgery even suggested, much less ordered.

What if I modified the story that my health should be perfect and the story that I might face some great medical difficulty and simply examined and lived with my health just as it is? What if, instead, I paid close attention to what I can do and how I can do it, strengthening my knees and wisely keeping myself active? The arthritis is still there. There may be some discomfort from time to time when I walk, but the dismay disappears. And as a bonus, my health improves, further altering my scary story of the future.

This same thing is true for our expectations of the holidays. We have seen many images of what a “perfect” holiday should be: loving families without problems, loving friends without hidden agendas, warmth and comfort and security, and lots of presents that are precisely what we want. Many of us, telling ourselves we should have this exact experience, are disappointed when our expectations are not met and go on to imagine that we are unloved and that our lives will be difficult. We suffer.

There may be joy right in front of us that we don’t notice because we are convinced that if our experience does not live up to the expectations we bring to the holiday, it’s not good enough to enjoy what we do have. We miss our opportunity for the delights that are available when we focus on imagined delights that are not available. Allowing ourselves some perspective on our stories and our resulting expectations can be liberating.

Gaining perspective on our expectations also can help us with the other kind of holiday suffering that comes to mind: loneliness. As a species we are built to affiliate – to make connections with other human beings and with other species.

It’s part of our brain structure, a biological drive, to seek connections and to build our lives in the context of other beings. Lack of that connection can be exacerbated by our stories of what should be.

When we are caught up in the cauldron of our expectations, we become further isolated. Focusing on our suffering, we push people away. We become self-absorbed, close our hearts to seeing how we might connect with another human being in this moment, and miss the comfort the connection could bring.

I was in a grocery store a few days ago. A woman ahead of me in a motorized chair was trying to see if she had enough money to buy what she wanted and needed, keeping some things, sending some things back, checking prices. Her determinations took quite a while. If I had been stewing in stories about what should happen in a checkout line and what would happen if I did not hurry, I would have missed the possibility of interacting with this woman.

As it was, we had a lovely, joyous meeting in which she told me she had lost 50 pounds, reversed the beginning of diabetes and intended to lose more weight. Her sharing the story with me made a tender human connection between the two of us. The warmth of those few minutes in the grocery store is one of the high points of my holiday season.

Presentation at TEDxAmsterdam 2011.

[click here if the video does not show]

Alfred Einstein created imaginary metaphorical scenarios to help him emotionally and physically experience the principles of the universe. Once he visualized himself walking alone down a street and “falling in love.” Two weeks later, he would imagine meeting the woman he fell in love with for the first time. How can you fall in love with someone before you meet them? This particular imaginary experience helped him to formulate his thoughts about acausality.

In another example, he pondered over the concept of time. What is time? How can time be understood as another dimension? This is how he described “time” to a group of reporters who had difficulty understanding his claim that “time” is the fourth dimension.

Imagine a scene in two dimensional space, for instance, the painting of a man reclining upon a bench. A tree stands behind the bench. Then imagine the man walks from the bench to a rock on the other side of the tree. He cannot reach the rock except by walking in back of the tree. This is impossible to do in two-dimensional space. He can reach the rock only by an excursion into the third dimension. Now imagine another man sitting on the bench. How did the other man get there? Since the two bodies cannot occupy the same place at the same time, he can only have reached there before or after the first man moved. In other words, he must have moved in time. Time is the fourth dimension.

Once you’ve visualized this metaphoric scenario, you emotionally feel the experience of time as the fourth dimension in life. You can feel yourself experiencing the abstract notion of time without using words. What’s more you can relive the experience whenever you choose to do so.

Metaphoric scenarios are also excellent tools to facilitate behavioral and cognitive changes. Suppose you have experienced some traumatic experiences in your past that you can’t seem to forget. Intellectually, you know that reliving these things over and over prevent you from moving forward toward your goals and desires. They produce apathy, helplessness, a feeling of inadequacy, a negative energy. You want to truly “let go” of these experiences. You need to stop constantly thinking about them and get on with your life.

Take a few moments and try the following thought experiment.

THOUGHT EXPERIMENT. Take a moment, relax, breathe deeply and imagine you are a mountain climber. Visualize how you look dressed in your mountain climbing gear.

You are climbing one of the largest mountains in the world and are very close to reaching the peak. This is a goal you’ve had all your life. You’ve prepared yourself physically and mentally to reach this goal by constant training for years. You feel strong and great. You are about to begin the final stretch to the peak, when you decide to rest on a small ledge which juts out about three feet from the mountain. There is a sheer vertical drop beneath the ledge. You fasten yourself securely to the ledge.

You see another climber approaching you from below. Eventually he reaches the ledge. He lifts himself up and sits down next to you on the ledge. “Wow,” he says, looking over the edge, “It’s a long way down.” He’s wearing a rope tied around his waist and holds the loose end in his hands. He holds out the end of the rope and says, “Take this. Hold it tight and whatever you do, don’t let go.”

You take the rope and, to your surprise the man stands up and jumps over the side of the ledge yelling, “Don’t let go! I’ll fall thousands of feet if you do.” You hold on with all your strength. The man is suspended over the ledge, and sure to die if he fell.

You try to pull him up but he is too heavy. You offer suggestions about how he could climb back up the rope hand over hand. The man shouts back, “Hold on. Don’t let go. If you let go, I’ll die.” You tug and pull but nothing works. The afternoon is beginning to fade. It’s getting colder and the wind is blowing harder. You have to do something, otherwise you’ll not reach the peak which you can see through the mist and clouds.

You think of a way the man can wrap the rope around himself and eventually pull himself up and shout the instructions. The man replies, “No, please, please don’t let go. I’ll fall to my death if you do.”

You coax, wheedle, scream, and yell at the climber all to no avail. You realize you are running out of time, and if you don’t do something, you will not reach the mountain peak. Finally, in desperation you shout the instructions one more time and say, “If you don’t do this, I’m going to let go of the rope.”

The man responded, “No, No, please hold on. If you let go, I’ll die. Just hang on tight.”

You let go of the rope and climb to the peak of the mountain.

                                                                           ***

Now, take a moment, and think about the scenario. What is it in your life that you are holding on to that is represented by the climber? What is it that you are holding on to so tightly that it is keeping you from getting on with your life? Think about that thing at the end of the rope and think about what it would mean to let go of it? Was it worth staying stuck in order to keep that thing at the end of the rope alive? What really would happen if you let go of it?

Once you can imagine yourself letting go of the climber, you feel a tremendous emotion. The power of metaphors lies in the fact that they speak in the more primary process of the unconscious mind. Metaphors encourage unconscious processing of information. This will make it easier for you to really “let go” of your fears and past traumatic experiences by visualizing this story over and over.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Michael Michalko is the author of the highly acclaimed THINKERTOYS: A HANDBOOK OF CREATIVE THINKING TECHNIQUES, CRACKING CREATIVITY: THE CREATIVE THINKING STRATEGIES OF GENIUSES, THINKPAK, and CREATIVE THINKERING: PUTTING YOUR IMAGINATION TO WORK. www.creativethinking.net

The possessive friend recently got into an altercation with my sister’s best friend from childhood — over nothing. The childhood friend spoke with me afterwards because she is concerned and scared for my sister’s safety. My older sister recently warned my little sister about her friend and my mom also agrees she is too controlling and jealous.

My sister isn’t taking our advice seriously although this friend is having a negative influence on her and our family. Anyone who was once close to my little sister isn’t any more. I don’t know what to do about this situation.

Sincerely,
Worried Sister

ANSWER

Dear Worried Sister,

It sounds like your sister may have gotten involved in a codependent or emotionally abusive friendship that is complicated by her work relationship with her friend. By cutting your sister off from her family and friends, her possessive friend has been able to draw her even more tightly into her web. 

Given everyone’s concerns about your sister’s safety and emotional well-being–coupled with her lack of insight–it may be useful to stage an intervention. Tell your sister that your mother, her other sisters, her childhood friend, and you want to get together with her for a family meeting. Express your concerns and find out if she has any concerns or discomfort about the relationship. 

If she wants to keep things as they are, you may not be able to do much beyond telling her what everyone else observes and feels—and continue to be there for her. But if she wants to change things, you can help her make a plan to move away from her friend, both professionally and personally.

I hope this helps and appreciate your concerns.

My best,

Irene

Some prior posts on The Friendship Blog about possessive friends:

• My best friend can’t stand my boyfriend
• Help me deal with a drama queen 
• Help: My friend is too cling

After compiling my volume, I had the good fortune to read works by three young Asian American poets, and was duly impressed.  Bao Phi’s Song I Sing (Song means “river” in Vietnamese, and is also the name Phi’s young daughter) delivers a stirring indictment of racism and is essential reading for those concerned with the Asian American – no, the American voice in general.  It is filled with a love for Asian America, but also a deep awareness of how oppressive forces work to destroy lives.  It is meant to speak a truth, written from somewhere deep beneath the skin of the American dream, revealing a bare essence of hurt, broken promises, and history.  My favorite poems were “Reverse Racism”, and his detailed, biographical portraits of young Vietnamese Americans, called “The Nguyens”. 

The antidote to the insidious venom of racism is a scorpion-tongued poet named Bao Phi.  You will be stunned by his clarity, and perhaps shocked.  It is the shock of understanding the world in a new way.

Ed Bok Lee’s 2^nd book of verse, Whorled explored some of the same themes, but in a markedly different way.  Some poems were more experimental, quieter, and subtler in tone than many of Bao Phi’s “slam” poetry style work.  Lee won the PEN Open Book award with his first volume Real Karaoke People, and this work is a welcome sequel.  Whorled and Song I Sing have just been published this September by Coffeehouse Press.  They are well worth a read!

Finally, Ken Chen’s Juvenilia, winner of the 2010 Yale Younger Writers, was mesmerizing and thoughtful, subtle and erudite.  “The earth is a millstone that sharpens us into saint.”  Of his grandfather:  “His grandchildren, the way they look at him – as if merely by existing, we erect a history of regret ready to be lived ahead of us.”  This is a work that must be savored and reread.

One of my mentors in psychiatry says that reading Poetry and Philosophy have been the greatest catalysts for his self-growth.  Psychology has been a distant third for him.  To these, I would also add the fourth “P”, People.  Deep interaction with another person can be profoundly transformative, or I wouldn’t be in the work I’m in.  The Four P’s – Poetry, Philosophy, Psychology and People are certainly pillars of mental health and transformation.  (Poetry can be broadened to include literature and the arts, and Philosophy can include science, religion and spirituality, certainly.)

As a culture, we don’t read enough poetry!  Do your soul a service – pick up a volume of verse this year and be entertained – and possibly transformed!

© Ravi Chandra, M.D.  All rights reserved.

Now you’re ready for a butterfly hunt. 

Close your eyes.  Look and listen back to recall the last image or thought that darted through your mind before the anxiety welled up.  When you find the butterfly trigger, you will have found a key to solving the panic attack mystery.

Here’s butterfly-thought examples from panic attacks experienced by folks I’ve worked with.

Jeffrey’s restaurant panic attack

Jeffrey’s last thought before his panic surge had been a visual observation.  He was in a restaurant, walking with a friend as they were being shown to their table.  A bright red spot on an abstract painting on the wall had caught his eye. 

Thinking back about that red color, a connection suddenly clarified itself to him.  The red color was the same red as the high-heeled shoes his mother had been wearing the prior evening.  They had been talking, sitting together in the living room.  Jeffrey found her mother so difficult to talk with that at one point he felt enraged.  He felt a powerful urge to haul off verbally, to tell his mom he never ever wanted to see her again, and even to punch her.  The red on the painting reminded her of how frightened he had felt then of losing control of himself.

Janet’s Safeway panic attack

Janet’s last thought before her panic attack was “I’m going into the Safeway.” The Safeway is a grocery store.  What could be so frightening about going into the grocery store?  As she focused on the word Safeway, her fear suddenly came clear. Janet had thought that by turning down a job offer with a new startup company and instead taking a job at a more boring but established company she had been taking “a safe way.”  Now her employer was considering closing the company.  Her choice of jobs had not been a safe pathway after all. 

Barbara’s grocery aisle panic attack

Barbara also had a panic attack in a grocery store.  She entered the store and thought, “That’s the aisle I need to walk down.”  Her fear?  Her butterfly thought had metaphorically expressed her anxieties about “walking down the aisle,” that is, about her forthcoming marriage.  Had she chosen someone who would be right for her?  What if the marriage proved to be painfully mistaken, as her parents’ marriage had been for them? 

Jeffrey, Janet and Barbara all succeeded in identifying the butterfly thoughts that had induced emotional overdrive reastions.  In each case, once they understood the thought that had triggered their panic attack, they felt a major sense of relief.  The butterfly thought had clarified a genuine life dilemma.  With the source of their anxiety now clear, thinking about what to do about the real problem could begin. 

Thank you to butterflies!

For more simple solutions to tough emotional and relationship challenges, please see my website at http://poweroftwomarriage.com.  For more about anxiety and panic attacks, my audio CD Anxiety: Friend or Foe? May be helpful.